A Man's Guide to Being Sensitive

Randomly ask a woman you know what she looks for in a man and chances are that along with the usual suspects; personality, sense of humor, charm, good looks, intelligence, etc., she'll chime in with the inevitable, "Oh, and he must be sensitive!" So now, any amorous male with opposable thumbs that hopes to woo a member of the fairer sex sometime between now and the complete melting of the polar ice caps had better acquire some sensitivity, or at least learn how to affect it.

Below is some helpful advice that if scrupulously heeded will help eliminate or at least mask those troglodyte signals you might be sending, and aid you in acquiring or maintaining a successful relationship.

• Surprisingly, belching and other gaseous emissions are not considered intelligible forms of communication amongst the majority of women. When possible, full, grammatically correct sentences should be employed. Content is important. Phrases such as, "Please tell me about your day in greater detail." or a simple exuberant, "Let's go shopping!" are more likely to elicit a favorable reaction than, "Maybe we should get the golf channel?"



• There is no absolute safe answer to the question, "Does this make me look fatter?" however, one should definitely avoid seemingly logical responses such as "Fatter than what?" A canned answer along the lines of "Absolutely NOT!" accompanied by a dinner invitation typically fares much better.
  
  
• Show an active interest in your companion's female friends. However, this interest should fall short of suggesting an impromptu ménage à trois after dinner.



• Accept the fact that the majority of your male friends will become, or already are, bad influences, completely without any redeeming social values.



• Chew with your mouth closed and avoid appreciative grunting noises while dining. It is not acceptable to retrieve and eat food that has touched the floor, regardless of its cost. While it may seem practical, apparently mealtime is not an appropriate time to attend to matters of personal hygiene such as toenail trimming.



• Remembering events and dates important to the female is vital to the longevity and success of your romantic relationship. That birthdays and romantic holidays must be remembered is obvious to any monkey; however, the multitude of occasions accumulating over time can be overwhelming to even the more advanced simians amongst us. For example, the giving of flowers may result in an anniversary of the first time you gave her flowers. To avoid errors, keep a written log and consult it often. Employ any tools available to you, including but not limited to handheld devices and scheduling functions on your cell phone, and set audio alerts to key you in on time.Never ever dare to dis Valentine's Day, even if she openly dismisses it as a silly commercial holiday. This may be a test; repeat, this may be a test!



• The majority of women are impervious to the pleasures and scientifically proven life-enhancing benefits of female mud wrestling and swimsuit competitions, and cannot be convinced of same. By the same token, pretend to believe her when she claims she's watching football games with you for your sake; surely, the tight pants have nothing to do with it.



• When is it appropriate for a man to cry? This is a tough one as there is no consensus among women on this issue. A single tear over the latest makeup/breakup of a make-believe couple on your partner's favorite television show may be acceptable while blubbering over the very real event of your favorite team once again not making the playoffs is not. The manner of crying also has bearing. You should limit your tears to a few and display some embarrassment at having shed them. Uncontrolled, shoulder heaving, mucous inducing sobbing is normally frowned upon and may result in your being labeled a wimp. It is also unacceptable to cry for reasons of physical discomfort or pain (including bullet wounds or severed limbs), though wincing is permitted.



• To avoid conflict, accept the fact that your choices in fashion, grooming, interior decorating and most style-related matters are always pending approval. If she is even remotely involved in your laundry, any underwear that has holes should be discarded, despite the obvious benefit of ventilation provided.



• Remember that when women express that they want a sensitive man, this is usually short-hand meaning they want a man who is sensitive to their needs. The underlying meaning of the word "sensitive" is a wildcard, so test the waters with some mild, safe weeps before you let go a floodgate of tears.