Jokes -3

Best Joke
A good one !
Tansen was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire.
Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it.
Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it.
Tansen agreed.
The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it.
Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Tansen's mouth.
Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours
Tansen violently sucked the queen's breasts.
Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired. Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact shooed him away.
Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor since he was instrumental in it himself.
What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day......>> "Birbal duly put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear.

ONE
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked,
if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
She said, "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, it was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her


TWO
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered
that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight
slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later !!!!!"


THREE

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway."Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of yourproblems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer."Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh yes," our friend answeredbreathlessly."That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?""Nope........just when it's raining

FOUR

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
>>The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
>>The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
>>The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
>>The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

FIVE

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.So the call went out to a number ofcountries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.The Arab replied "Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood in my veins !!!! "

SIX

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed toGod, India, they decided to forward it to the Finance Minister of India as a joke.The Finance Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.The Finance Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Finance Minister in Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 as tax !!!! "

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1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.


2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married? And now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrotback, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise.but I hope you will keep yours."

7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."